"Let's play a game," I said to you as we slowed to a stop, the red glow slowly creeping over the black, reflecting off our formal skin, moving away from the blaring music in the temporarily transformed gym to somewhere meant for us. Away from the everyday life here and to a place where we could be together, just you and me. It was quiet, the hum of the car's engine and the music turned down low were all we could hear as I leaned over the seat and onto your lips, kissing you, you were my first kiss, you were my first love, I was so in love. We did this at every redlight and stopsign, together and closer in a way no one would ever know. Red told us to go, green meant to stop. We lived in a separate world for that night, a world I miss but don't we always miss something? I was so in love that night. I was in love with you. Everything was perfect. I don't believe inperfection, but that was the closest I have ever felt in my life. You were perfect. Why did we have to end this way? The first time I knew was in the graveyard. We were on our way to the dance and we passed by the rows an rows of headstones, shining as the headlights passed the engraved names. It was beautiful at night, you were beautiful, I felt beautiful, I told you to stop. We got out of the car, it was cold, but we didn't care. We were together and that was all that mattered that night. We walked the gravel roads, laughing as I lost my balance in the wet ground. You held me, closer, closer than anyone ever had before, and I was on top of the world. You took me in your arms and we danced on the cold dark concrete, not caring what the beat of the music was, we danced to the beating of our hearts. You took my face into your hands and we kissed, the sparks flew, I was so in love. You shared something with me there that I couldn't ever forget, even now when I pass that spot, I see ghosts of us on that night. And I can't help but cry when it gets like that. The boardwalk. We crossed off so many moments on our lists that night. i still read them when I get that way, and I see all these promises that were never kept and I cry and cry and cry. Letting go is such a hard process, and letting go of love is the hardest. Before, I could never look at the boradwalk because it hurt too much. Our love started to grow there, walking along the wooden boards, with ice cream in hand, laughing and loving as the ice cream began to melt, even in the cold. Is ice cream made to laugh? It seems that way when I was with you. Even now, it made my heart race, being there with you again, but not in the way of loss but in the way of hope. But that night, it belonged to us, or so it seemed, The river was illuminated by the stars, but the lights, by the twinkling in my eye as I felt our love being to grow stronger and falling even more in love with you. It was cold, but you kept my heart burning. Redlights and stopsigns. I felt more alive with you that night than I had ever felt before. I was breaking all the rules, being with you, alive and burning, but in the good way this time, the only time, I loved. We went through the streets, taking the longest way possible, making each kiss last longer, the red turning into green and lips still touched. It didn't matter what color the lights were anymore, just as long as we were together just a little longer. That last road made me laugh so hard, and love you so much more. Every few feet there was a stopsign, you wanted me there I wanted you there with me, we were together, and that was enough. I didn't want that road to end, maybe I cold have kept you bu thtere's no point in looking to the past. I'm here now. This is just to let go. We stayed at the stopsign, one after the other, I gave you a part of my that night, skin touching skin and you were closer to me than I'd ever let anyone in before. You were my first, and you wil always be. We were so close to the end of the night, and I didn't want to let you go, not yet. "Here, last one." "You're going to make me crash!" "Would it be worth it?" Lips touched, the sparks ignited again, my heart was alive, it was burning, and I was the happiest I had ever been. i was in love. I was in love with you, I was with the perfect boy on the perfect night, perfect kiss, perfect laugh, perfection at its closest. I didn't want to let go.
I don't want to lose you again. I'm sorry I feel the way I do. But I'm still in love with you. And I hope it wasn't a mistake to tell you.
Tears spilled from brimming eyes, unrecognizable, that sad shade of green replacing the warm familiar brown that used to know those calming eyes of yours. A week of near silence, and I still didn't know, or really, didn't let myself know. A week full of rollercoasters of emotions, each emotion lasting only a second, a flash of lightning, and moved right along to the next, continuing in the same swift pattern, each flash taking a pinprick of my heart away with it. I should have taken it as a sign, those sad words following the memories of that night we were so in love, that night where everything felt right, the memories kept flooding back, but I didn't want to remember. I should have taken it as a sign, but subtle hints aren't my strongest point, and it took me until just now to fully comprehnd their meaning. "I'm expecting the worst but hoping for the best. I'm so scared, I'mscaredI'mscaredI'mscared." words uttered to keep composure, shedding the smallest light of hope, a light cast in vain over a hope that had been completely extinguished days before. Thunderstorms behing eyes, just waiting to explode, waiting for the truth, for better, for worse. I'm sick of this twisted anticipation.
I sit the tiredquietcold hallways, heart beating straight out of my chest, waiting for the sound of your voice, some form of relief to this ever growing knot twisting my stomach in patterns and shapes of the last four days. His words were like daggers, headed straight for my chest. "How are you, two?" Not meant to harm, but harmed nevertheless. "We're okay, I guess." Lies.
You came, from around the corner like always. You sat down next to me, like always. But not the same. Five minutes pased and I couldn't shake the feeling. I looked helplessly for an answer in her tired blue, but all I saw were mirrors reflecting back what I already knew. I couldn't will myself to believe, but I was so blind, I couldn't even see the time running out right in front of me. I reached my arms around you, enveloped you with skin and blood and bones and love desperate to bring you closer, back from where I know you strayed. I felt your warmth, but it was different. Everything was different, I wouldn't let myself believe. I pulled you closer, an awkward position, but anything to keep you close to me, to keep you from drifting away. "I've missed you so much." I whispered into your ear, desperate words escaping desperate lips from desperate lungs, a desperate heart. Your arms came up and wrapped around mine; you whispered back, "I missed you, too." There was an emptiness somewhere, or maybe I was imagining things. But hearing those words, I thought everything was okay; at least for that moment I broght you back to me. Things were almost normal, my hand tangled in yours, not knowing where the tips of one would start and the rest of the other would end, connected in our own way. Conversation came and went, silence taken over by the slowly spilled words from mouth, life filling the empty spaces. The bell rang, and soon we were embracing, me hoping to stay entangled in yor arms forever, a word I feared until I met you, wanting to get lost in your arms until the end of time, ignoring the impatient tones of the teacher behind us, uttering meaningless words to the back of my head. I didn't want to hear, I didn't want to let go. She didn't know how important it was, didn't understand. Lips touched lips, our daily morning routine, but something felt wrong something was different, but I didn't want to notice. "I'm sorry." Those last words uttered from your mouth before you turned away from me, to get swallowed in the sea of moving bodies, moving farther and father away from me.
It took all my strength to keep the tidal waves from pushing behind these fragile eyes. Nothing prevailed in my mind but the continuting echo of your words. I'm sorry. I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry. Over and over in my head, like a broken record you can't turn away from. I was able to forget those words for a little while, laughter flooding through my veins, replacing what is with what I wanted to be. I forgot, and the sweet bliss of innocence and being happy and alive flooded through me, and all was perfect.
Outside, I was happy as I could ever be, still untouched by the inevitable truth that all good things come to an end eventually, that something inside would shatter in moments by the one person who swore they were in love with me, who I love, was in love with, am in love with and always will love.
It was a letter. The begining and end of our love was contained in a single letter. You handed it to me, eyes down, saying nothing more than a few words, nothing to hint what was lying bentah the folds. I came forward with a broken I love you, drowned by the sounds of conversations coming and going as you moved away from me, as quickly as you came, your footsteps falling farther and farther and farther away. I should have known not to read it then, knew what was waiting behind the clean white sheets. I thought of it like the others, the ones where you claimed to love me with each and every stroke of the pen, each word said more and made me fall harder and harder for you. I read through your words, greedily, hoping that it wasn't what it meant, searching for some hope that this wasn't the end to everything I had come to know with you in my life. All the happiness and amazement and wonder and love the world could give came tubling down with those words. They echoed their meaning inside my head, louder and louder, no mercy on their part. The tidal waves felt like they were to break, but my eyes fought, holding the tears back. I couldn't lose my composure here, not now not now. I told myself I wouldn't cry about this, I prepared my heart for what was to come. I still smiled, like everything was okay, but the storms were at their worst, brimming at the edge with pain, just waiting for the signal. It was the blue, her calming blue eyes willed with "I'm sorry." that made me break. The loving blue eyes that knew what the words meant, who had felt the same words before and knew what was going to come. The one look cause my walls to shatter and the mask to break, causing the waves to spill with an intensity I had never known before. This is the way a heart breaks. Sympathetic eyes scanned my face, one look was all it took to know. The more eyes I saw, the harder it cut, the mor the dam began to break. Your "I'm so sorry." in electric type made it so much harder to stay.
I couldn't look into the loving blue the rest of the day. I desparately tried to find your face in the afternoon sun, somehow I could bring you back if I could see you, spill all these words out to try and make you stay. But you weren't there; there was no bringng you back now.
I let myself disappear that night, not knowing how hard the road was going to lead me away from the pain and the hurt and the sadness. In the quiet comfort of my own room, I flooded myself with the memories, every joy I had come to known with you, and let the waves flow through my eyes and down my cheeks, rolling silently down my face, christening each page with a goodbye to everything I knew.
We sat on the sun-drenched benches, pens posed in our hands, ready to say what we never could out loud. "What do we write?" "Whatever you feel the need to write." Our head ducked down, hands flying across the paper with words that never got to take flight, words that we needed to see written down to know that they were there, to make it easier for us to let them go. Conversation flowed in and out of the silence, flooded between the rushing water and not-winter breeze, between the leaves flying and colliding, and through the distant sound of busy lives rushing pass. Sunlight silhouetted the figure of you, writing down the words all the words everything that never got a chance, I could hear the pen against the paper, the brush of reasons and things that we needed to let go. There are so many words, but there is always so much more left unsaid. Paper folds, rustling, words pressed against words, a jumble of whys and what ifs against each other, colliding with each fold of paper skin, fitting the narrow neck of the bottle that held all of our words, our birds, our whowhatwhenwherehowhy questions. I lift my pen from the ripped page, the page right after what my life revolved around until now, the page where I spilled my heart when I felt like it would never be whole again. You were there, we were there. We were okay. And that was all I could ask for. We closed the bottle tight, to protect our paper skin, to protect ourhearts, to protect our words, to protect everything we held in that bottle, our past present, leading to our future life, our future lives that had yet to be explored. "Ready?" "Yeah." "Wait, we have to do this together. Like, hold onto the bottle with me, we'll throw it together." "Alright, here?" "Yeah. Ready?" "Yeah." We threw our past, our words and words and words, our feelings our paper skin, the layers and layers we held back all in this bottle, into the air and watched it sail down into the river, leaving a temporary imprint for just a split second on the surface until it settled into the rest of the water. Our laughter and shouts of encouragement filled the air as we watched our bottle make its way down the river, flowing through obstacles and making its way away from us, towards somewhere where we couldn't care about. It made its way, finally, and that was enough for us. It didn't matter how silly we looked. We walked along the boardwalk, saying whatever came into mind, saying whatever we had to say. I didn't think twice about what I had to say to you, it was just to hard to feel the words form in my mouth, felt so right when the words left my lips, like another weight that had been lifted from the stack I piled so high since that twenty-seventh. The words came out, and I couldn't take them back, I saw them hang in the air like a questionmark, all the old feelings and nights and days I spent thinking about it rushing out with just those few words. I didn't care what the answer was anymore, I was ready for whatever came. We talked about so many things and so many truths came out and flew to the sky. There's a reason for everything, and maybe this is why.